When my daughter was two, friends offered us some gently used toys from their six-year-old child. They needed to move out the play kitchen with stove, refrigerator, and highchair, plus the doll crib with changing station, to make room for new things at Christmas. We set up these toys in our living room while our daughter slept on Christmas Eve, and she awoke to a marvelous new world. "Play," she called excitedly as she tugged on my sleeve, "Play, play, play."
I spent a lot of time and money trying to recreate that moment over the next few years, but I couldn't. I finally recognized that nothing I put under the tree could possibly live up to her dreams of what might be under the tree. And my experience of a child's delight in Christmas has never, before or since, been as pure and simple as it was that morning when my daughter was two.
Crib Guard
Years before, when my three step children were growing up, they moved back and forth from their Piedmont home to our more modest digs in Oakland. Each year they spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at one house, then moved midday to the other house, for another round of present opening and Christmas dinner. This was especially difficult the years they left new bicycles, skates and remote control cars at their other house and came to us to unwrap new sweaters, books and a few board games. We could not compete on volume or price. What could we offer the children that they hadn't just had in greater measure at their other home? We went with silly and unexpected. One year they came home to discover a note on the door:
Alert: The Grinch is at it again. He has attempted to spoil Christmas by switching the brains of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The plot has been foiled and we have attempted to set things right. There may be a few glitches. -The Tooth Fairy
And all of the presents were missing from under the tree. The children spent a delighted half hour searching for the missing gifts. Years later I have no memory of what was in the packages, but I remember clearly their delight in the unexpected.
From ancient solstice rituals to the modern holidays, mid-winter has always been about celebrating abundance in a time of scarcity: Light in a time of darkness, plenty in a time of not much. But the scarcity we experience is different from the scarcity of a century ago. Our rituals have come to feel like excess in a time of plenty rather than plenty in a time of little.
Most of us have plenty of possessions and plenty of excitement. When we attempt to use the holiday standbys of gifts, food and glitter to create a sense of abundance, we may end up feeling stressed and empty. It is difficult to find more and better toys and gadgets to interest the kids, to cook and create food in even greater amounts and quality, or to add more pizzazz and glitter to our already well lit world. In the end we often feel let down. Why? Because we too often neglect the areas in which we really are lacking in order to create more, more, more of what we already have.
And too often we end up working against our own values. Perhaps you value nature and sustainability but find yourself buying stuff manufactured from scarce resources just to fill a gift list. Perhaps you value time with family but find yourself fighting crowds at the mall. Perhaps you value calm and reflection and find yourself caught up with constant noise and activity.
This holiday season I invite you to notice what really is scarce in your life. Despite the economic downturn, for must of us there is no scarcity of material things. We may need to get by on last year's hottest video game system, cell phone and MP3 player rather than springing for the next model. That's OK. We still have more stuff in our lives than any other people in the history of the planet. So what are you lacking? Time alone, time with family, spiritual grounding, a sense of community, a sense of larger purpose, creative expression? How can you create these things in among the rituals of gift giving, eating, decorating and endless social events?
Ask yourself the question first: What is lacking in my life? What is it I value that does not find expression in my daily life? When you begin to have answers for yourself, invite your family and close friends into the conversation. Brainstorm about things you can add to your holiday celebration and things you are ready to discard in order to bring the holiday more in line with what you really value.
To bring your kids into the conversation, start by reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Then ask this question: " If the Grinch were to come to our house, steal everything, all the presents, all the decorations, all the food, how would you know it was Christmas? How would we celebrate without any of those things?" For the "Whos down in Whoville," the answer was singing. In your family the answer might be quite different: Having the whole family together or going to church or telling Christmas stories. Your kids might be resistant at first. But if you are persistent and playful in your questioning you might gain some insight into how your children view Christmas and what is important to them. At the very least you will share the idea that the value of Christmas lies beyond the trappings.
But in truth you probably can't and don't want to give up all the trappings of Christmas. If exchanging gifts is important to you because it promotes a sense of connection, but purchasing gifts and accumulating stuff is stressful, look for ways to have the connection without the stress. My father, who grew up during the Great Depression, was a master at this. One trick he had was to purchase an extra gift for the whole family and wrap it in multiple layers of gift-wrap. Each layer had a tag with a family member's name, sometimes accompanied by a riddle or rhyme. The gift would pass from one person to the next until finally the last layer was unwrapped, revealing a box of chocolate or peanut brittle for all to share. Another trick he used was to hide someone's gift and instead wrap up the first clue for a treasure hunt. Both these tricks extended the gift exchange and added to the joy of the moment without more expense or stuff.
This year my sister and I have agreed our families will exchange things we already own. This means I don't have to spend more time shopping, I don't have to spend more money, and I still get to enjoy exchanging gifts with my sister and her family. Bonus: no net increase of stuff in my house.
Think about what you can give your children that no one else can. High on this list is a sense of personal and family history. One year we bought a collage frame for each child and filled them with photos of themselves from babyhood up to that Christmas. These were among the best loved and least expensive gifts we ever gave. If you are spending less time at the store, you will have more time to be with your children sharing skills you learned from your parents or other beloved adults. This might be time spent baking or building or creating together. It might include reading stories aloud or even watching movies you loved as a child. Be sure to let your children know why these activities are important to you and who first shared them with you. In doing this you will be giving your children a solid piece of family history.
Sharing your values is another gift only you can give your children. There are many, many ways to share your abundance with others during the holidays. Pick one or two that are most meaningful to you and invite your children to join you. Buy socks and mittens for the homeless, make decorations for the old people's home, go caroling at the hospital, bag food at the food bank. Or suggest that instead of buying you a gift, your children can make you a card and contribute money to a cause you support.
If this holiday has spiritual significance for you, don't skip over it in the holiday rush. Take the time to go to church. Invite ritual into your home. Talk about the core messages of Christmas: hope, peace, joy, love. If these are lacking in your life, find ways to invite them in. If these are things you have in abundance, find ways to share them with others.
Remember no matter how well you plan, whatever Christmas traditions you create or discard, however much effort you put into creating the 'perfect' holiday, the most magical moments of Christmas are likely to happen in the moments you least expect. Give yourself the time to savor the moments when you are caught off guard by beauty, love, pure joy, the possibility of peace.